It is important to state that this type of abuse does not exist in a vacuum but seems to be more common in societies that show tolerance to violence in general.
If we ordinarily deal with conflicts violently in the streets, chances are that we will take it home.
The most severe forms of spousal abuse I have come across are in the uncommon cases of the Othello Syndrome.
Question: How can one regain full life after the anguish of physical abuse in a relationship? A friend of mine was physically abused by an ex-spouse and he feels so low in life.
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Let the record show that your friend is a man and that you seek to know how he can regain a full life after the abuse he went though in the hands of an ex-spouse. The reason for the emphasis is that not many people realise that men can be victims of physical and emotional abuse in an intimate relationship.
Part of the reason for this discrepancy between fact and reality is that men are afraid of being thought of as being weak if they admit to the fact of spousal abuse. The other reason of course is that it is more common for woman to be the victim than the other way round.
For reasons rather easy to see, this is a most emotive subject that is generally discussed without much regard to the scientific evidence available. It is often observed that generalities such as ‘men are to blame for this violence’ or ‘that women bring it on to themselves’ tend to push objectivity out of the window.
The contestants then proceed with arguments that generate large amounts of heat but without much light. Blows are sometimes exchanged.
The Lancet is one of the oldest and most respected medical journals and a search of the topic ‘Intimate Partner Abuse” leads the reader to an article that might be a useful place to start a conversation such as is before us.
Unlike many medical conditions or rather conditions that doctors are called to attend to, there are no clear-cut demographic characteristics that define this condition. Put differently, this is a matter that is to be found in all types of people, all over the world.
No one group can claim to own this problem. That said, however, there are a few facts that all might agree on. For example, it is true that poverty seems to increase the prevalence of this type of abuse.
This is thought to occur mostly on account of financial problems in the home, as well as jealousy and challenges of male identity. On the other hand, it is well established that education and financial independence are protective of this type of abuse. We must however restate that these facts are themselves generalisations and that there are many exceptions both ways.
It is, however important to state that this type of abuse does not exist in a vacuum but seems to be more common in societies that show tolerance to violence in general.
In other words, we do to our spouses what society teaches us to do to each other. If we ordinarily deal with conflicts violently in the streets, chances are that we will take it home.
The most severe forms of spousal abuse I have come across are in the uncommon cases of the Othello Syndrome. This is a type of paranoid delusional condition characterised by the false belief that the spouse is sexually unfaithful.
No amount of evidence will move this untruth, and the more the spouse denies, the more the deluded person is convinced that he or she is right. Some spouses, in exhaustion and desperation have confessed to infidelity that did not take place in the hope that things might get better.
The reality is that in all cases, things get worse. This is a mental disorder that sadly is very difficult to manage.
More common are the similarly tragic instances whereof beatings, slapping and kicking are accompanied by emotional abuse and neglect of one or another spouse. In one study, the rates of abuse in females were found to be up to 50 percent of women.
The tragedy of IPV is seen in instances where serious injury or even death takes place. Some years ago, a woman died under such suspicious circumstances and sadly, the same man went on to abuse other partners.
The pattern of this abuse is very similar in the many cases we see.
Expressions of deep love is followed by signs of either irritability and withdrawal soon to be followed by an incident of abuse by way of beating or hurtful statements like “you are too fat/ugly to have sex with”.
This is then followed by reconciliation and apologies that can be accompanied by flowers and chocolates. A period of variable duration and characterised by calm and peace then sets in only to be repeated in yet another cycle.
The fact that abuse takes place in cycles is part of the reason the abused spouse/partner stays on always hoping that things will get better.
As for your friend, and not knowing the circumstances of the abuse, as well as the consequences, I would suggest that you take him to a mental health expert for full evaluation as soon as possible.
