Why company policies can’t stop office romance

Q: I have encountered situations where some companies don’t allow marriage or relationships among employees. Could you help me understand the rationale behind such policies because I believe passion between any two individuals has no bearing on a company’s performance?

A: I am not sure how old you are, or even how much experience you have in life in general, but you seem to have made a fundamental error in your understanding of this problem. Just so that we are clear, marriage has nothing to do with “passion”, at least after it matures.

Relationships can have a great deal of passion but even then, the workplace challenge is unlikely to be passionate. When you think about it carefully, workplace romance is inevitable and has led to many happy marriages all over the world.

Tony and Cherie Blair are an excellent example of a couple that met at work. In the medical profession, for example, the number of doctors married to other doctors, nurses or other medical personnel is very high.

To put it another way, romance at the office or medical school for doctors is a way of life that no policy can kill. Many reasons have been given for this observation.

Most people spend most waking hours at work or college. From a purely statistical point of view, one is more likely to get to know a person with whom one spends time well.

After working with a colleague for some years, one is able to predict a large number of things about the person. What, for example, are his likes or dislikes? Does he have a quick temper, and does he keep time.

Does he obsess over small things? What are his social habits such as drinking, smoking, reading spiritual books and many other things that one could see, even without being “interested in the person for marriage”.

Working together gives men and women time to observe each other. Two things are then possible. If the person drinks too much, is untidy, does not keep time and has a foul smell from his mouth and socks, then one can comfortably write the person off unless he or she feels like Mother Theresa — out to help all the suffering souls in the world.

If, on the other hand, the person is single, smart, hard working, courteous and often “bumps into you by accident’’ at the office then you would be forgiven if you felt that the person is ‘‘not a bad guy or girl’’.

The office environment has enabled both of you to do the basics while the office party allows the chemistry to find expression. No written or unwritten workplace policy can stop two hearts from being struck by cupid.

The other reason people who work together often end up in relationships is because chances are that they have a great deal in common, beyond the fact of their love.

In that sense, they enjoy a bond that is beyond the emotional one and can be very helpful at times of stress. People have often came together at the workplace, either because they have felt persecuted by an unfair boss and thus spend many hours talking about their stress, or because one is more senior than the other and they find themselves talking a great deal as one helps the other with work.

As the relationship grows, they create imaginary problems, delay their solution just to make sure they can have coffee together after work.

A similar but additional reason is the feeling that a person you work with is more likely to understand you than the fellow who sits next to you in the matatu on the way to work. At work you have similar experiences and could well have similar academic and professional interests.

Another reason for workplace relationships is because of the opportunity to talk personal issues with your colleague. This type of challenge is common in human resource contexts where the HR manager gets to know which person is having marital or social problems.

Studies show that couples who meet at work are more likely to marry than those who meet at parties or in pubs. Similarly, those who meet on holiday have often intense and passionate encounters which are brief.

So, whatever policies a company has on office romance chances are that some people will meet and have long term (as opposed to passionate) relationships that could end up in marriage.

But if the duo is not careful, danger looms. A related question that we have not answered is; once the romance has been established can the couple continue to work in the same place?

The answer is, it depends. A married couple working in a remote lodge in a game reserve could represent stability, while an affair between the managing director and his personal assistant could spell disaster.